When You Realize You’re Grieving

It’s late.  My husband is already in bed and I finally decide I should be too.  It’s Saturday night, the end of a long week.  I’ve been fighting feelings of sadness the last several days and can’t figure out why.  I brush my teeth, wash my face, and it hits me.  For whatever reason, right at that moment I understand.   I think this is what grieving feels like… I’m grieving.

With the exception of our dear glory baby, I have yet to experience hard loss in my life.  Now however, loss feels like the norm. I find myself in a season of saying goodbyes, and it’s not ending anytime soon. I’m losing life as I know it. And it is hard. I’ll be in the jungle and loved ones will keep on having babies, keep on laughing, keep on living their lives and making new memories. I’ve lost people’s good opinions, from both within and out of the church. I’ve lost possessions and the opportunity to create a beautiful home. It’s all slipping away, slowly.

And I’m sad.  Because the hardest farewells are still to come.

I lay there in bed with this new understanding and I can’t sleep.  I feel the Father beckoning me to come and read.  He leads me to Mary’s Song, The Magnificat.  I read the Mother’s words over and over again, really drinking them in.  This young girl was losing everything.  Her good name, her body, possibly her betrothed.  Yet she was grateful.  She understood her loss.  She carried within her the Salvation of the world and she rejoiced.

Paul wrote of finding gain in loss, of considering all he once knew to be worthless when compared to the knowledge of Christ. And I see that I’ve been offered a gift: an opportunity to know the riches of Jesus much more deeply. I carry within me salvation for forgotten ones on a distant island.  And for that, God deserves praise.

And I should be thankful for these losses. Because Jesus is Lord and because he is writing and has already written out all my days.

I don’t think I’m wrong in my grieving, but I see that it’s no place to stay in, that this can’t become my normal. I can still choose joy today.

My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior…

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6 thoughts on “When You Realize You’re Grieving

  1. Beautifully said, sweetheart. Your post reminded me of a quotation I wrote in my Bible during a difficult time in my life. It is by Dom Hubert von Zeller.

    “To be always looking in faith and hope for what is known to exist but evades discovery is not only the essence of religion, but is also the motive of every generous adventure and the stuff of heroism. The search for the Christ-life is the supremely generous adventure,the one completely worthwhile heroism.

    The price of love is normally the price of faith. And this is as much the case in human love as in divine. The cost is the suffering of believing against all outward evidence that the prolonged search is in fact a progressive discovery. If the price of loving Christ is the pain of having to look for Him, the price of finding Him is the pain of having to share His loneliness in the Garden of Gesthemane. Loneliness is the worst suffering, and if we can endure this in faith, we have as good as won our way to Him.”

  2. Grieving is a good and healthy response to life. It’s hard because you don’t want to admit that you feel that way but you need to go through those stages. I never knew I would need to grieve over a job loss like I did. But God’s best is always even better than we can imagine. Even though He takes away here, He’ll add on so much more later. Trust in that. Trust in His goodness 🙂

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