It’s late. My husband is already in bed and I finally decide I should be too. It’s Saturday night, the end of a long week. I’ve been fighting feelings of sadness the last several days and can’t figure out why. I brush my teeth, wash my face, and it hits me. For whatever reason, right at that moment I understand. I think this is what grieving feels like… I’m grieving.
With the exception of our dear glory baby, I have yet to experience hard loss in my life. Now however, loss feels like the norm. I find myself in a season of saying goodbyes, and it’s not ending anytime soon. I’m losing life as I know it. And it is hard. I’ll be in the jungle and loved ones will keep on having babies, keep on laughing, keep on living their lives and making new memories. I’ve lost people’s good opinions, from both within and out of the church. I’ve lost possessions and the opportunity to create a beautiful home. It’s all slipping away, slowly.
And I’m sad. Because the hardest farewells are still to come.
I lay there in bed with this new understanding and I can’t sleep. I feel the Father beckoning me to come and read. He leads me to Mary’s Song, The Magnificat. I read the Mother’s words over and over again, really drinking them in. This young girl was losing everything. Her good name, her body, possibly her betrothed. Yet she was grateful. She understood her loss. She carried within her the Salvation of the world and she rejoiced.
Paul wrote of finding gain in loss, of considering all he once knew to be worthless when compared to the knowledge of Christ. And I see that I’ve been offered a gift: an opportunity to know the riches of Jesus much more deeply. I carry within me salvation for forgotten ones on a distant island. And for that, God deserves praise.
And I should be thankful for these losses. Because Jesus is Lord and because he is writing and has already written out all my days.
I don’t think I’m wrong in my grieving, but I see that it’s no place to stay in, that this can’t become my normal. I can still choose joy today.
My soul glorifies the Lord
and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior…