Dealing with Disappointment

Does anyone else ever feel like God is just saying no to a lot of things?  I must confess that I have felt that way lately.  And I’ll admit it.  I’ve been disappointed.  There.  I said it.  Disappointed.  I don’t want to say I’ve been disappointed with God, but rather his responses, but what if I am?  What does that say about me?  That I don’t trust him, that I don’t really believe that things work out for my good, and that I’d much rather be in control than relinquish all my rights to him?  Yep. 

In some ways I’ve come to understand this better since becoming a parent.  I know that Josey shouldn’t try to plug things in to the electrical outlet, so I do what I have to keep her from trying to shove that toy in there.  I know the danger that could be, but she doesn’t.  One day, she will and she won’t cry when I say, “No mam.”  But for now, while she is so limited in her knowing, I must make decisions that are best for her.  I can see the big picture.  I know it’s the same with God.  He sees me, his child, reaching to touch the hot stove, and he lovingly and graciously pulls my hand away, saying, “No, dear one.”  I’m not suggesting that every desire that goes unmet is because it would dangerous to us, I’m suggesting that He just knows best.  And he also longs to draw me unto himself and to make me more like him.

I have recently had to face the reality that I will likely end up having another c-section with this pregnancy.  I was hoping and praying to VBAC, but Corabelle is currently breech like her big sister was.  In my last sono when it was confirmed she was breech, I had to hold my tears back while the sonographer chatted with me about her name and how big she was.  I got in the car to go home and all I could think was, “Come on God, couldn’t you just throw me a bone?  With all the stress this pregnancy has brought, couldn’t I have at least this one little thing?”  But I remember the hot stove and the hand of the Father that gently pulls it away.  I’m not saying that if I had a natural delivery that something bad would happen and God is sparing me from that.  I just know that he sees all the circumstances surrounding the birth of this little girl.  Maybe he just wants his presence to fill the operating room that day, rather than a normal delivery room.  It begs the question, “What is going to bring him the most glory?”  I’m reminded that even though this is my birth and my body that at the end of the day it’s just not about me and that one day in Heaven, I probably won’t be sitting around swapping birth stories.  I live to serve.  And I do so willingly because I believe that Jesus is the answer.  To everything.

I know these truths in my heart, but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t been angry with God.  My walls can testify to the things I’ve said to him in response to my various let downs, the hot tears streaming down my face, my fists pounding into the pillow case.  But I’d also be lying if I said he didn’t meet me in those moments.  He never returns the anger.  He never gets frustrated with me not getting it.  And at the end of the day I know.  I remember.  He is good.  He loves me.  He loves me.  He loves me.

I also know though that sometimes things just don’t make sense.  And maybe they never will in this life.  I don’t understand why babies die, why people go hungry, and so many other things.  The only thing I know is that there is a plan in motion to remedy these things.  There is a Savior that died, rose again, and is yet returning to finish what he started.  Things will be made right.

And I realize that it’s okay to long for things to be a certain way; to long for no more pain, let downs,  loss, fear, to long for eternity.  I’m reminded that God has set eternity in my human heart (Ecc. 3:11).  It is right for me to long for the beautiful, the perfect.  I think the key though is to reconcile this idea with trusting God in those disappointing seasons. 

There’s a time for everything. 

A time to be born.  A time for babies to lose their lives.

A time to sob uncontrollably.  A time for the whole body to rejoice.

A time for the world to be in utter chaos.  A time for the peace of God to reign and rule.

May I better learn to find him in disappointment, to cling to the redemption of the cross and the promise of a return.

~Erin

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Dealing with Disappointment

  1. when reading this i remembered this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Qp11X6LKYY

    i remember once on the Armor/Imago float trip my RA asked me if i agreed with this song. i sat on that thought for awhile before answering as we slowly floated along. and the truth is, i do agree with the lyrics.

    the thing is, i never really realized that this song talks about the good times and the bad, the times of abundance and the times in the desert. i mean, He really does give and take away – the important part to remember is that i trust that He knows best and that i keep praising Him.

    God knows the bigger picture, just continue to choose to praise Him. which i know you are doing, just sometimes that’s a conscious choice. i’m in the same boat too – but at least He’s teaching us grace and trust.

  2. crying here friend. love you and so proud of you. the disappointment stings, even when you know that He knows better and thats ok. He knows that too. His love has no end for us, there is no place we cant go that his love cant go deeper and come up and surround us again. You ARE a servant and not only are you serving your children by suffering through cesarians to bring them into this world but I know God will use you to serve other women who have had the same disappointment. Its ok to have hurt and wounds there, time and grace will help you work through them. I am so, so, so thankful that you were able to conceive these two little girls and carry them full-term with your special circumstances – it will be worth it all when you hold sweet Corabelle in your arms! love you.

  3. I think it’s absolutely that you love Him, even through the tears. You are right, some things just don’t make sense, but it’s absolutely amazing to read that even though you may be upset and even a little hurt, that you still know that Jesus is the answer. Hang in there! I know it doesn’t seem like it right now, but He does make all things work together for the good of those who love Him, and are called according to his purpose. You are called. 🙂

  4. What a day to look at your blog as I will explain. I woke up early this morning with thoughts about the many disappointments I have been experiencing lately. As I cried out to God, with a foggy and sluggish brain, I asked Him why there have been so many. Barely able to focus, and not expecting any response, I heard Him say, I will never disappoint you. As I thought about those words, knowing they did not come from me, I suddenly felt pure joy. I believe you are correct that when we see things from our prospective we can be disappointed. But, as we draw close to God, suddenly we realize the truth about Him!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s