The last few weeks have been full of ups and downs for our little family. We found out one month ago that I had some abnormal results in my quad screen. For those who don’t know, a quad screen is a blood test measuring four different hormone levels that can be done in the second trimester of pregnancy that screens for the likelihood of your baby having a chromosomal disorder. It is not a diagnostic test. I was advised in my pregnancy with Josey not to even do the test. There is a tendency for the test for produce “false positives” meaning it may tell you that your baby is likely to have a certain disorder and in reality be completely normal. Also, the outcome wouldn’t make a difference to Kevin and me meaning we wouldn’t choose to terminate a pregnancy based on the results, so I didn’t have it done. This pregnancy I was advised to do the test because of a distant cousin that has spina bifida. I am not considered to be a genetic carrier of this disorder, but the screening would just be done as a precautionary measure. Anyhow, my screen came back positive for down syndrome- a 1 in 13 chance. This means that there is an almost 93% chance that our little girl is completely normal, but it’s that small, frightening 7% that there could be something wrong that has totally rocked our world. Even though we know we would love, adore, and cherish this child just as much as Josey, let’s be real- every parent hopes that their child will be normal. I would be lying if I said we weren’t scared, probably me more so than Kevin. But that’s usually how it works with men and women and the way we process things. He’s focusing on that big percentage that says nothing is wrong, but I’m the one carrying this wee fairy, feeling her move, knowing the reality of her existence, and it’s hard for me to look past that 7%.
We had a level 2 sonogram that same week we found out and our little lady showed NO signs of down syndrome. There’s certain measurements they can take and anomalies to look for that can be indicators of the disorder which we found none of. She may continue to look totally normal up until delivery, but we won’t really know until she’s born 100% whether she really is or not. We had another sonogram yesterday and once again she appears to be completely normal. The doctor said that we can presume that she is normal and offered other reasons for why my quad screen came back with the results that it did. Even though we are encouraged and completely hopeful, Kevin and I both know though that we have to stay open to either reality. Even though the doctor was positive, it probably wouldn’t be good if we completely convinced ourselves that she wasn’t going to have down syndrome and then she is born and we find out otherwise.
I know that God is writing this in to our story- one way or another. Whether she’s completely fine or has special needs, it’s a part of our story, and once again I’m reminded that I am not the author. The Maker of the Stars formed her in my womb just as he saw fit. There are no mistakes with God. She was being woven together by the Creator before I even knew she existed. Why should I question his workmanship? He has spoken and said that she is good. Perhaps we have been fitted for the task of raising a special needs child. Or perhaps this is simply an opportunity to trust in the Father and remember that his intentions toward us are always good. So easily I forget~ perfect love casts out fear. And I am loved perfectly. Perfection. Only to be found in the heart of God. Never in humanity though we bear his image. We have not yet been glorified though we are being justified. Our sweet Corabelle Eve, growing in my belly, on her way with no one to stop her, no matter what her physical state, will need Jesus. She will be fallen like the rest of mankind and we must teach her that it is only because of Jesus that we have life and purpose on this earth. Does beauty or normality bring us purpose. No. What is normal anyway? Who defines normal? Oh Lord, give me a thankful heart.
I was sharing some of my feelings recently with a dear friend who was never able to have children and was reminded how precious this little life is that grows inside of me. Perhaps she would have given anything for a child, even one with special needs. Once again, I won’t lie. My heart wants to see this child be down syndrome-free, but shall I exchange my gratefulness for worry?
This post may seem a little all over the place, but it is the processing of my heart and it’s desire to trust in Jesus while all the while prone to depravity and struggling to give up control.